Epic Failure

Why is it when some people go through a tough time in their lives, when things aren't going their way or they just aren't having a good day, they feel they have the right to treat other people like shit?  Is it possible to stop for just one minute and consider another human being has their own life with their own pains and troubles?

When someone in my life is having a hard time or has a lot on their plate, I ALWAYS try to find something I can do for them to ease their burden.  Always.  I use kind words and offer as much of myself as I can to help them.

This weekend, my brother-in-law and his girlfriend of 15 years finally tied the knot.  It was her third marriage and very stressful for her, as she knew the serious commitment that she was making because it was the third time she had made it.  But this time, would her husband?  I think that's what the 15 year waiting period was... but that doesn't make it less stressful!  With four children and a lot going on, I offered to do anything and everything that I could to help her... after all, it was just 9 years ago that I was feeling the stress and pressure of planning a big wedding.  Even the small things that I was able to contribute made a difference, I knew it in the many, many different times they thanked me for my help. It made me feel so good to see them smiling as they left the church, and to know that in some small way, I helped.

Other times, I find big ways that I can help.  Today that blew up in my face.  I'll maybe never offer big help again.  The backfire is more pain than I can take.  I suppose some people don't want bigger help, or small help.  But there are graceful, kind ways to thank a person for the offer and gently decline.  That's not at all what I received today.  My heart is heavy and I feel like going back to bed and trying life all over again tomorrow.  Today was an epic failure.

I have so many blessings in my life today, but they didn't come easily.  I had a very, very difficult life for 10 years first.  I suffer from mental illness.  It has made my life miserable and it stole my teenage years.  From age 12 to age 20, my life was torturous, miserable, unbearable hell for me, and for my parents.  My illness comes with severe bouts of very deep depression, coupled with nearly-constant severe anxiety.  Despite my sometimes tough exterior, I'm one of the most sensitive people you'll ever meet.  I weep for mistakes that I made over a decade ago, my wrongs haunt me.  I only lived until age 20 because of the love of my family, especially my mother and older sister.  My first born daughter took it from there.

When things "get" to me, they stay.  I haven't learned yet how to let go, how to forgive myself, or how to let things roll off of me.  Particularly when those "things" are jabs from the people I care about.