Rest in Peace

Last Friday, my niece passed away at just 21 years old. 

I feel especially sick over it. Aside that her life was cut way too short, aside the fact that she left behind a 2 year old daughter who has no comprehension of death, aside the incredible woman I think she would have been someday...

I had no relationship with her anymore, and I don't have any idea why.

When she was about 2 years old, she came to live with us. As a young teen, I cared for her and her sister and brother, all toddlers basically, while their parents worked for over a year. I later spent every weekend with them for almost 2 years before they packed up and moved 1200 miles away. I then visited at least once a year, even moving myself and my daughter 1200 miles to live with them for a short time.

So what happened that when her parents divorced, I never got to speak to her again after that? She blocked me on Facebook and I never saw her or heard from her again, except for second-hand news, like when she had her daughter.

I'll never know now if I had done something specific or if she just decided to remove herself from our side of the family for some reason. Why didn't I fight to find out? The answer is simple: because never in a million years would I have imagined that she would be gone before it could work itself out. I just let it go because I figured it would blow over, because I was sure I hadn't done anything wrong.

I see now that I did.

I should have questioned it. I should have made sure that she knew how I felt about her and that she was important to me. By not doing anything, I let her think that I didn't care, or that it didn't matter, that she didn't matter. 

Brittany, if you are there somehow, please know that I cared, you have always been important, and that I've loved you since the day we met. I'm so sorry that I didn't make fixing our relationship a priority, that's a regret that I'll live with forever.

To work, or not to work

So here I am in my 3rd week of the new job and I'm not so sure about it.

Don't get me wrong, I actually like the job itself. I like the work, the environment, the boss and the co-worker. 

What I don't like is my house going to pot, not seeing my kids until bedtime, and the agonizing pain in my feet and ankles. I seriously can barely walk after my 6 hour shift. I bought expensive shoes that were supposed to be awesome, but if anything they hurt more than flats and sneakers.

My dear husband is trying, but the house, when combined with 3 kids, a teenager, 2 kittens and a dog, is a huge task to keep up with. I was never able to keep up on it completely when I wasn't working. I'm putting a lot more stress on him than I think is fair.

I miss being with my family. My kids are growing fast and I feel like I'm losing precious time. I have forever to go back to work, but only a few years left with my little ones.

So now I'm thinking, do I let it go now or do I try to milk it for whatever money I can, maybe even trying to work up through the end of the school year? And if I do, what about my poor feet?

Does leaving for these reasons make me a failure and a quitter? 

My Loss

A mere 4 days into my new job, and I was sure I was about to be fired.

On day 2, my boss gave me my own set of keys to the store. They weren't on a key ring or anything even a little secure, but were simply tied together with a basic white wire bread tie. It was snowing when I left work that evening, and coming down pretty heavily, so I tucked them safely into my coat pocket on my way out of the door.

On day 3, I left work a few hours early to take our family to the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus at the Wells Fargo Center, a 20,000 seat indoor arena in Philadelphia, PA. I didn't need my keys that day, but remembered that I still needed to put them on my key ring, but they weren't in my coat pocket, so I assumed I must have put them in the center compartment of my car and I dismissed it for the evening.

On Day 4, there was a big snowstorm, which left about 12-14 inches of snow blanketing our area. A few hours before my shift began, my boss called to tell me that business was slow and he was closing early, so there was no need for me to come in that day. That reminded me to go out and get my keys from the car... only they weren't there, or on the floor, or the cup holder, or under or between the seats. Now I'm panicking.

I rechecked all of the pockets in my coat, and completely emptied my purse and wallet in search. No luck. I checked the car again, with a flashlight and a magnet and an extra set of eyes. Still nothing.

I started retracing my steps from the entire week. Where had I gone this week? Where had I been?  I even tried checking with the grocery store where I had stopped after work Tuesday night, unfortunately they were closed due to the snow storm.

I stopped looking and starting considering what and how on Earth I would tell my new boss of just 5 days that I already showed a complete lack of responsible behavoir. Should I tell him the honest truth or exaggerate with a little white lie to save my job and any respect and trust he might have for me so early on (no matter how artificial it may be)?

I started constructing a story, and then reverted back to just being completely honest, no excuses. I had decided that when I go back to work next week, as soon as I had an opportunity alone with him, I would tell the truth, Or maybe I would wait until I actually started needing the keys?

Tonight, while taking a quick ride with my mom in my truck, she said, "you know, there are keys on the floor here". I couldn't believe it. Somehow, I managed to not drop the keys at the grocery store, in the car that I drive 95% of the time, not in the church I was in for a Girl Scout meeting, not in the house or in my yard full of snow, not at work and not in the 20,000 seat arena, but in the truck that I am almost NEVER in, and so I never even thought to check there.

I think I'll definitely not share this story at work.

Back to ... Uh... Work? Well, paid work anyway.

This past Monday, I finally did it. I pinched my nose, closed my eyes tight, and jumped in. Back into gainful employment, that is.

It's not the kind of job that I really wanted, but it's something I know, something I'm good at, and most importantly, a job that was hiring.

I'm not sure how I'll handle not seeing my children until 730 every weeknight, but I have to say mornings sure are nice. I can get my kids ready for their day and off to school, with plenty of time for relaxing with a few cups of coffee and even a little housework before I have to start getting ready for work at 1130. A pretty good arrangement for a non-morning person such as myself, that's for sure.

As for the work itself, so far, so good. I like my co-workers and my boss, Ed. I like the environment and the customers have been great. 

If there's one thing I've learned from being a parent, wife, homeowner, and member of the human race in general, it's that whenever possible, you have to focus one one obstacle at a time to win each battle as it comes.

My current obstacle: figuring out how to get through a days work without killing my feet.